Presidential Vaping: What Would All 44 Presidents Vape?

Unfortunately, vaping hasn’t been around for much of American history. All we can do is speculate on presidential vaping. I’ve done painstaking analysis and research on the 44 POTUSes, and applied the following Mt. Baker Vapor flavors to former and current presidents:

1. George Washington (Federalist) – Cheeky Cherry

Our first president was known for chopping down his father’s cherry tree, and admitting to it. The story’s source has never been properly verified, and likely never happened. Nonetheless, George loved to chew cherry pits with his horrific hippopotamus-bone teeth. Cheeky Cherry would be the All-Day-Vape for George Washington.

2. John Adams (Federalist) – French Vanilla

John Adams had a storied relationship with France. During his diplomatic years, Adams was a commissioner to France, and formed a special taste for French Vanilla. He was indirectly responsible for a “Quasi-war” with France in 1798.

3. Thomas Jefferson (Democratic-Republican) – French Toast

Thomas Jefferson was a Rennaissance man and prolific Founding Father. He drafted the Constitution, and had his personal chef trained in French cuisine. An 18th century version of French Toast was a personal favorite!

4. James Madison (Democratic-Republican) – East Coast Tobacco

James Madison was a Virginian plantation owner, who hailed from a tobacco legacy. His plantation eventually failed under the hands of his inept stepson. Still, he was an East Coast Tobacco man, by definition.

5. James Monroe (Democratic-Republican) – Admiral Berry Crunch

James Monroe was considered “The Last Cocked Hat” for his old-style 18th century wardrobe. He would not look out of place aboard a three-masted ship. For this, I’ve selected Admiral Berry Crunch as Monroe’s presidential flavor.

6. John Quincy Adams (Democratic-Republican)- Apfelstrudel

JQA became fluent in Dutch in his years overseas. His life-long depression also led him to self-medicate with desserts. His love of Apfelstrudel was well-known.

7.  Andrew Jackson (Democrat)- Bloodbath

Jackson was one of the bloodiest presidents in American history. Along with his military career, he shot men in duels, and was responsible for the Indian Removal Act and the Trail of Tears. He had a musical based on him, entitled, “Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson.” Obviously, Bloodbath is the only option.

8. Martin Van Buren (Democrat)- 555

Martin Van Buren had a troubled relationship with Britain, after strained relationships from the bloodless Aroostook War and the Caroline Affair. For his repeated relations with Britain, he is awarded 555.

9. William Henry Harrison (Whig)- Strawberry Shortcake

Harrison had the shortest term of any president, after succumbing to pneumonia. His term only lasted 32 days. For the short term, Harrison gets Strawberry Shortcake. 

10.  John Tyler (Whig/Independent)- Freckled Lemonade

John Tyler’s legacy is intertwined with the annexation of Texas. They drink Freckled Lemonade in Texas. It’s a stretch. This one was hard.

11.  James K. Polk (Democrat)- Cin City

Polk, also known as “New Hickory,” is responsible for the Mexican-American War. In honor of Mexican love of spiciness, Cin City is a natural choice for JKP.

12. Zachary Taylor (Whig)- Hawk Sauce

A decorated war hero and reluctant top of the Whig bill, President Taylor served in a prolific amount of American conflicts. The war of 1812, Second Seminole War, Mexican-American War, and the Black Hawk War were all military campaigns for President Taylor. Since the Black Hawk War has the word “hawk” in it, President Taylor is awarded Hawk Sauce.

13. Millard Fillmore (Whig)- Faux Hawk

“Millard” sounds like “Mallard,” which is a type of duck. Though a duck is a bird, it is not a hawk. Some folks with poor eyesight might mistake a duck for a hawk. So…. Millard Fillmore gets Faux Hawk.

14. Franklin Pierce (Democrat)- Jamaican Rum

Though wildly unpopular and considered one of the worst presidents, Franklin Pierce was great at drinking. His alcoholism gets him Jamaican Rum as an ejuice flavor.

15. James Buchanan (Democrat)- Afternoon Delight

Buchanan set the stage for one of the most devastating event in American history: the American Civil War. This war would turn brother against brother, subject a huge percentage of the country’s youth to the horrors of war, and nearly shattered the Union. He was also a life-long bachelor. James Buchanan gets Afternoon Delight for his most eligible presidential bachelor status.

16. Abraham Lincoln (Republican)- Monkey Mousse

Lincoln was considered one of America’s greatest presidents. Though he sustained the Union, delivered speeches worthy of literature, and emancipated African American slaves, Lincoln was not without his critics. Many of them considered his distinctive, otherworldly features to be similar to that of a monkey. Lincoln gets Monkey Mousse for the smear-campaigns that compared him to a monkey.

17. Andrew Johnson (Democrat)- G-Men

President Johnson was impeached in disgrace, following the horrific remainder of Lincoln’s term. For his place in corrupt government, President Johnson gets G-Men.

18. Ulysses S. Grant (Republican)- Coumarin Pipe Tobacco

Melancholy, aloof, and an unlikely star of the American Civil war, Grant could always be seen chomping a cigar or puffing a pipe. Our most tobacco-loving president deserves Coumarin Pipe Tobacco.

19. Rutherford B. Hayes (Republican)- Root Beer

Rutherford B. Hayes was famous for restoring faith in the presidency, and reinvigorating executive power in the post-Lincoln era. He was also noted for his temperance leanings, and forbade the consumption of alcohol in the White House. For his abstinence from spirits, we give President Hayes Root Beer!

20.  James A. Garfield (Republican)- Berried Treasure

Though his presidency was cut short by an assassin, Garfield was a champion for the gold standard. JAG despised paper money. For his love of gold and coinage, President Garfield is awared Berried Treasure.

21. Chester A. Arthur (Republican)- Vanishing Oatmeal Treats

Chester A. Arthur was a great president. Mark Twain once wrote, “It would be hard indeed to better President Arthur’s administration,” without a hint of irony. Remarkably, for all the good president Arthur accomplished in civil service reform, Naval restructuring, and civil rights, he is a little-known president. For his history book Houdini act, Chester A. Arthur gets Vanishing Oatmeal Treats. 

22. (and 24) Grover Cleveland (Democrat)- Float On

Cleveland was a formidable policymaker, and sprung the Progressive Era. Since Grover Cleveland was elected more times than FDR, and spent 12 years in office over three terms, we’re awarding him Float On.

23. Benjamin Harrison (Republican)- Forestberry Fusion

An important part of President Benjamin Harrison’s legacy was the Land Revision Act of 1891. This bill established National Forests, and paved the way for National Parks in the 20th century. For his pioneering spirit in regards to wilderness, Benjamin Harrison gets Forestberry Fusion.

24. Grover Cleveland (Again)

See number 22!

25. William McKinley (Republican)- Cloudy Beaches

The McKinley era was a time of economic prosperity. William McKinley protected manufacturers and factory workers from foreign competition, and he secured passage of the Gold Standard Act. He also annexed the Republic of Hawaii, known for its heavenly shores. Cloudy Beaches for McKinley!

26. Theodore Roosevelt (Republican)- Happy Rancher

To sum up this man’s life in a blurb is impossible. Naturalist, boxer, champion of the working man, imperialist, big game hunter, amateur Sumo wrestler, taxidermist, author, Rough Rider, orator, brawler, naval historian, veteran, patrician, progressive fringe candidate, speed-reader, hypomaniac, and rancher, Theodore Roosevelt was a cannonball of a president. For his gleeful time as a South Dakota rancher, Roosevelt gets Happy Rancher.

27. William Howard Taft (Republican)- German Chocolate Beefcake

Taft was an enormous man. At his heaviest, he weighed 340 pounds. Who else could get German Chocolate Beefcake?

28. Woodrow Wilson (Democrat)- Bubble Gum

Woodrow Wilson was an avid motorist, academic, and baseball fanatic. While he managed the Princeton baseball team, he could be seen chewing Bubble Gum.

29. Warren G. Harding (Republican)- Green Apple

Warren G. Harding was a beloved and prosperous president whose successes were eclipsed by the Teapot Dome scandal, revealed shortly after his death. He was a teacher before he was president, and teachers, by definition, love Green Apple.

30. Calvin Coolidge (Republican)- Constable Coconut’s Cookies

Calvin Coolidge was a small government conservative who rose to prominence the Boston Police Strike in 1919. Coolidge fired all the striking police officers, and replaced them. For his decisive oppression of hard-working police officers attempting to unionize, Coolidge gets Constable Coconut’s Cookies!

31. Herbert Hoover (Republican)- Blue Moo

Hoover was a pragmatic, efficiency-obsessed prohibitionist whose term saw the collapse of the American economy. For his widespread failure, link to massive economic depression, and the devastation of the agricultural industry in the dust bowl, President Hoover gets a very apt Blue Moo.

32. Franklin D. Roosevelt (Democrat)- Hug Juice

There has perhaps never been such a beloved American president. FDR gave relief and hope to a wounded, despondent American people. The nation tuned into his “Fireside Chats,” enthralled. His New Deal was an ambitious, contentious overhaul of the policies that literally left the American people in the dust. For his love for the people, and the people’s love of him, FDR is warmly awarded Hug Juice.

33. Harry S. Truman (Democrat)- Demon Energy

President Truman assumed the presidency after FDR’s death, and saw the defeat of Nazi Germany a few weeks into his term. For his use of atomic weapons in the Pacific theater, Harry S. Truman gets Demon Energy.

34. Dwight D. Eisenhower (Republican)- Maui Sunrise

Eisenhower was a World War II hero who ran on the platform of anti-communist and anti-corruption. In his farewell address, he warned against the Military-Industrial Complex. Notably, Alaska and Hawaii were added to the Union during his presidency. For this, Ike is awarded Maui Sunrise.

35. John F. Kennedy (Democrat)- Orange Dream Bar

John Fitzgerald Kennedy was a game-changer in a lot of ways. He was the youngest, most handsome, and most Irish-Catholic president the nation had seen. His charm and general dreaminess gives John F. Kennedy Orange Dream Bar.

36. Lynden B. Johnson (Democrat)- USA Blend Tobacco

Lynden B. Johnson was a tobacco-lover. The man smoked around sixty cigarettes a day–yes, a day–until he had a near-fatal heart attack in 1955. We have no choice but to award LBJ with USA Blend Tobacco.

37. Richard Nixon (Republican)- Thug Juice

Richard Nixon’s term in office was defined by paranoia, sneakiness, unwarranted surveillance,  and disgraceful resignation. For his nefarious, thuggish behavior in office, Richard Nixon gets Thug Juice.

38. Gerald Ford (Republican)- Beast Treats

When faced with the option of playing for the Detroit Lions or the Green Bay Packers, Gerald Ford chose law school. Gerald Ford was a life-long fan of football, and we salute him with Beast Treats for his beastly football skill.

39.  Jimmy Carter (Democrat)- Peanut Butter

Jimmy Carter turned down a military career to save the Carter family peanut farm. What a sweet, wholesome, and savory fellow. Peanut Butter for President Carter!

40.  Ronald Reagan (Republican)- Blueberry

Ronald Reagan loved jelly beans. When he became president after a career as a cheerleader, sports announcer, and actor, Reagan wanted red, white, and blue jelly beans in a jar on his desk. He was delighted when Jelly Belly came out with a Blueberry flavor, which made this possible.

41. George H. W. Bush (Republican)- Pumpkin Pie

Famously, George H. W. Bush hated broccoli. What’s the opposite of broccoli? That’s right: Pumpkin Pie. Swish!

42. Bill Clinton (Democrat)- Razzle Dazzle

William Jefferson Clinton was the closest thing to a rockstar ever to serve in the Oval Office. To call him “charismatic” is an understatement. With his sax solos, impassioned speeches, and ability to connect with Americans one-on-one, Slick Willy would razzle them, dazzle them, and Razzle Dazzle them.

43. George W. Bush (Republican)- Pretzelmint Bark

Our former president-turned-painter fainted briefly when he choked on a pretzel while watching a football game at the White House. He still loves pretzels and Pretzelmint Bark to this day.

44. Barrack Obama (Democrat)- Extreme Ice

Though he can rise to an occasion with force and fierceness, President Obama is the king of cool. He’s been out in the woods with Bear Grylls, Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis, chatting candidly in Mark Maron’s garage, and behind the wheel in a Stingray with Jerry Seinfeld. All the while, keeping his cool. He wouldn’t need an anger translator if he wasn’t as cool as Extreme Ice.

Something to think about:

Will there ever be a vaping president? When will the White House have rules about presidential vaping?

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Presidential Vaping: What Would All 44 Presidents Vape?